Rumor has it that Donald Trump may be secretly looking for a way to exit the presidential election. His campaign seems to be imploding as more and more Republicans jump ship before the whole thing sinks.
Some are even wondering if Trump is trying to lose on purpose– a reasonable question in light of some of his behavior that makes absolutely no sense if he does in fact, want to win.
I haven’t given much credence to conspiracy theorists– they seem to rub me the wrong way between chants of “911 was an inside job” and posting pictures of chem trails. In this case however, it’s hard to imagine that he actually wants to win when considering some of the crazy things he says and does.
Trump’s behavior over the course of this past year has led him to become perhaps the most vilified person in the country. Our newsfeeds are full of negative stories that he alone is responsible for, often recounting offensive statements that leave one scratching their head as to what he was thinking.
If something doesn’t change, and change quickly, Trump will go down as one of the biggest losers of all time. Beyond his inevitable Michael Dukakis moment, his actions are already damaging his business as well. If you’re Donald Trump, the situation is not good.
However, I have a solution for Donald Trump. As critical as I have been of him, there is one way– one speech– that could turn Donald Trump from most hated man in America to an absolute legend in the halls of American history. He’d instantly go from villain to hero in my book, and gain millions of totally unsuspecting fans.
If you’re listening, Donald Trump, consider my advice– consider giving this speech– because millions of us would be here cheering you on, and would become fans for life:
“My fellow Americans,
I am before you today because all great journeys must eventually come to an end, and my bid to become the next President of the United States is officially ending today. This has been an amazing experience, and I will always be grateful for those who guided me along in what will forever be known as the biggest reality television event in the history of the United States.
You heard me right: What you just witnessed was the most epic reality television show ever. Long before I was a presidential candidate, I was a reality television star with one of the most popular reality shows ever. Today, I have proven that there will never be anyone who can come close to accomplishing what I have accomplished– my bid for the presidency created the most viewed reality television show in history, and I got every American to watch it with baited breath over what would happen next. More than that, this show was on every channel, every network, day in and day out. I got everyone to talk about it on social media. It was everywhere. It was truly amazing folks. No one has done this before. I’m still in awe with my success.
However, I did not do this as some self-serving publicity stunt. Yes, I proved I was the greatest reality show producer and star of all time, but that was all secondary to why I have spent the last two years of my life invested in this.
The truth is, I really care about the future of America. I really do. In fact, I don’t know that anyone cares more about it than me, because I went to greater lengths to illustrate America’s problems than anyone has ever gone. Ever. This reality show was specifically produced to highlight overlooked problems in America in a way that would be heard by all Americans, old and young. And I was brilliant in the way I accomplished this. That is why early on I named the show, Make America Great Again– it was a show about highlighting our problems, and making sure everyone watched.
First, I wanted to highlight something America’s founders worried about. One of the reasons our system is an Electoral College system and not a direct one-person-one-vote system, is in part because our founders feared that the average voter was actually too dumb to be trusted with a vote. In recent years there has been talk of doing away with this system, but I wanted to prove this would be a yuuuge mistake. The success of my fake candidacy shows that the fears of our founders were right.
In addition, I also wanted to expose the ignorance of the average voter in America because I truly believe we need a massive overhaul of the American education system. Listen, we’re way behind the rest of the world. We talk about how great we are but ignore all the actual data which shows that the education system in America sucks. My friends, we must elect leaders who will do the hard work to fix this. Trust me, I do want America to be great again, but there’s nothing great about our education system, and the fact that I was able to take control of an entire political party in a reality television stunt, proves it.
Next, I wanted to highlight the fact that America is no longer the home of the brave. There’s nothing brave about us. We’re so stinking scared of people who are different from us, that we’d actually consider building a huge, stupid wall along Texas, or sending starving refugees back to places where they’d be slaughtered. I mean, what the hell is wrong with us? America needs its bravery back, and the fact that millions of Americans allowed themselves to be frightened and controlled by a television star shows that we are in big trouble if we don’t address this quickly. Let me be clear: if we build a wall in Texas, the only wall we’d need to build would be one along the norther border. Seriously. I hate country music.
Then there’s the racism. I mean holy cow folks. America has such a big racism problem. The more my character said racist stuff, the more popular he got. And many of you didn’t realize the level of racism in America, so I paraded it before you and drew them all out of the woodwork. Before my character took the stage, people were less open about it, and so too many white people assumed that racism wasn’t a problem. I’ve always loved the bumper sticker that says, “protect free speech, because how else will we know who the assholes are?” and I wanted to accomplish that for racism in America. You can be ignorant no longer, folks– because you now know who all the racists are.
I also wanted to demonstrate that America is not invincible. We talk about how great we are, thinking that we’re God’s gift to the world or something, and think that our nation is somehow immune to societal implosions that have destroyed many great nations throughout world history. We are deeply vulnerable folks– I just demonstrated that it is totally plausible for an unhinged authoritarian with no self-control, no self-restraint, and no respect for others, to become President of the United States. Let that sink in people. America almost did the unthinkable– let this be a wakeup call moment. Had this not been a reality show, really bad things could have happened.
Finally, I invested my life into this reality show to demonstrate for the American people how stupid our two party system is. Why do we put up with this crap? There are 318 million people in the United States, and our two-party system put forward two of the most unlikable, untrustworthy people you could have picked out of 318 million! Folks, this is insane. I’ve sat back for years wondering why Americans so blindly accept being forced to pick between a turd sandwich on wheat, or a turd sandwich on rye. My candidacy and political success has demonstrated, once and for all, that it is time for us to reject a two-party system that forces us to eat a turd sandwich every four years. Seriously people, it’s time to change. I will never belong to either party again, and I hope others will have the courage to join me as we seek out new ideas, and a new kind of sandwich.
Yes, my bid to become President of the United States ends today. I consider it the most successful political campaign in the history of the United States, because I was able to highlight everything that is broken with America, and in desperate need of fixing. No other candidate has been successful in getting so many Americans from every way of life to engage these issues. No other candidate has exposed our fear, our racism, and our ignorance the way my campaign exposed. This has been successful beyond my wildest imagination.
No one has ever done what I have done. This was the greatest reality television show in history, and the entire goal was to make America great again by highlighting all those broken places inside of us that need to be addressed.
It was amazing, and I could not be more thrilled with how the show turned out.
Thank you all for watching– now go and do something about what this show taught you.
Oh, and one last thing, America: you’re welcome.”
So, Donald Trump: looking for a way out of this election? Looking for a way to not only avoid becoming known as the biggest loser of all time, but to actually exit the race as the greatest reality show producer of all time– one who will hold a place in American history that none other will ever share?
If that’s what you want, this is the speech to give.
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Thanks David! If you look at the individual match articles, I have the exact score shot by shot recorded there. I start with two putts from 20ft with each disc, then 30ft, then 40ft, then back to 20ft again but with the second disc mold being thrown first. The scorecards on the articles show each disc’s performance from each distance, and they are in order left to right for each distance. I hope that makes sense and is helpful!This whole article was absolutely fantastic! Thank you for the fun!
Trump keeps trolling the GOP.
He’s doing disastrously among minorities so he appoints a right wing extremist to run his campaign.
His next show will be hilarious.
I’m beginning to wonder if formerlyfundie isn’t fantasticallyfunded by the Hillary campaign.
That would be an awesome speech but I’m afraid The Donald IS one of the assholes and he’ll stay in to the bitter end.
You should have sent this speech direct to him. He may have made it.
I’d be the first to cheer him on if he gave such a speech and followed up on it!
Now that would be awesome. Alas, Trump’s candidacy is all too real as are his chances of winning. Sigh.
have you ever seen the 1983 film “The Wave”? it’s based on a true story about a history teacher in Palo Alto, California who, back in the late 1960s, conducted a social experiment to show his class how easily they could be manipulated by an authoritarian figure like Adolf Hitler. the experiment was more successful than he had expected and the entire school got swept up in a wave of hysteria, creating a Nazi-like club that punished anyone who resisted it. the movie invents a scene where he does what you just described – he gathers the school in one room and reveals that they’ve become neo-Nazis without even realizing it. ever since this election started I’ve been hoping and praying that Trump will make a similar confession.
Trump is the Winston Churchill of our time.
Contains way too many three syllable words to be a Trump speech.
Bated, not baited, breath.
Cken is right, Donald Trump supporters are neither dumb nor ignorant. They are fed up and they want things to change. I do not think Trump is the change we need. Much of what he says is not only anti-Christian, it is anti-American. Why would we want to elect someone who will destroy (or try to – he will not be able to do so) everything that it has taken over 200 years to build. I live in the midst of Trump voters. I know what they are experiencing. I wish the Democrats had someone that could deliver for them. Unfortunately we get warmed over broth from the Democrats. Still I say vote for the devil you know rather than the one you don’t know. It is the safest out in this election.
I didn’t write this but I think it is worth considering and I think I agree with it.
A Message for Christians about Donald Trump
This is Powerful & Well said! Food for thought.
I ask that you have an open mind, as you read:
I am a Jew turned evangelical Christian. I am also a passionate supporter
of Donald Trump. I have a message for Christians who don’t like Donald
Trump: “YOU’RE MISSING THE BOAT.” Christians have Trump all wrong. God
sends messages in many forms. You’re just not listening. God is talking, but
you’re eyes and ears are closed.
Here’s a famous joke about God and how He talks to us. “A deeply
faithful Christian man is stuck on roof of home with massive flooding up to 2nd
floor. Rowboat comes. He says “No, I’m waiting for God. I’ve prayed and I know
he’s coming.” 2nd rowboat. “No, I’m waiting for God.” 3rd rowboat. “No,
I’m waiting for God.” Water rises. The man drowns. Now he’s meeting God
in heaven. The religious man says “Where were you God? I prayed. I was
faithful. I asked you to save me. Why would you abandon me?” God says,
“Hey dummy, I sent you 3 rowboats. Are you blind?”
Did you ever consider Trump is our rowboat?
Maybe God is trying to tell us something important- that now is not the
time for a “nice Christian guy” or a “gentleman” or a typical Republican powder
puff. Maybe now is the time for a natural born killer, a ruthless fighter, a
warrior. A Joshua or Gideon!
Because right about now we need a miracle, or America is finished. Maybe
the rules of gentleman don’t apply here. Maybe a gentleman and “all-around nice Christian” would lead us to slaughter.
Or do you want another Mitt Romney, Bob Dole, John McCain, Gerald Ford or
Paul Ryan? Did any of them win? Did they lead the GOP to “the promised land?”
Did they change the direction of America? No, because if you don’t
win, you have no say. Paul Ryan couldn’t even deliver his own state Wisconsin! And as leader of the House, Paul Ryan rolls over to Obama like my dog rolls over for a scrap of food, or a steak bone. He’s a useful idiot. Nice, but obedient. I mean Paul Ryan … not my dog. My dog is actually a pretty good defender and loyal.
Maybe God is knocking on your door so loud, but you’re not listening.
Maybe God understands we need a “war leader” at this moment in time.
Maybe God understands if we don’t win this election, America is dead. It’s over. The greatest nation in world history will be gone. Finished. Kaput.
Adios.Shalom. And with one last breath, maybe what we need to save us at
the last second, is someone different. Someone you haven’t ever experienced
before – because you weren’t raised in rough and tumble New York where nothing good gets accomplished unless you’re combative, aggressive, outrageous, on offense at all times, and maybe just a tad arrogant too. Someone with a personality you’ve never seen on stage at your church.
Maybe, just maybe, being a nice gentlemanly Christian would not beat
Hillary, and her billion dollars, and her best friends in the media who will
unleash the dogs of hell upon the GOP nominee.
I guess you think God is only nice and gentlemanly. Really? Then you’ve
missed the whole point of the Bible. When necessary God is a pretty tough guy.
When necessary, God strikes with pain, death and destruction. When necessary,
God inflicts vengeance.
Maybe you think God couldn’t possibly be associated with someone like
Trump. Trump is too vicious, rude and crude.
When we won WWII, was God “nice?” Were we gentlemanly when
defeating Hitler? Were we gentlemanly when firebombing Germany? Were
we gentlemanly when dropping atomic bombs on Japan? Is God ever “nice”
on the battlefield? Or does he send us vicious SOB’s like General George S.
Patton, so the good guys can defeat evil?
It’s pretty clear to me God sends unique people to be “war
leaders.” That’s a different role than a pastor or church leader. God
Maybe God purposely sent Trump instead of the nice Republican powder puffs
like Paul Ryan, or Mitt Romney, or John Kasich because he wants us to
win. And maybe it’s time to re-define “nice.” Maybe Mitt Romney and Paul
Ryan aren’t nice at all- because they led us to defeat. And losing again would
mean the end of America.
And God can’t allow that.
Maybe Romney and Ryan mean well, but the road to hell is paved with good
intentions. Or maybe they’re just jealous they had their chance and blew
it. Maybe they’d rather help elect Hillary than allow a Trump victory that
would make them look weak, feckless and incompetent.
I was reading the Bible this morning and I found the perfect verse that
explains the success of Donald Trump… “Even the youths shall faint
and be weary, And the young men shall utterly fall, But those who wait on the
Lord Shall renew their strength;They shall mount up with wings like eagles,They
shall run and not be weary,They shall walk and not faint.”
It’s almost like God created this verse for Donald Trump and this moment
in history. Trump is our energy. More energy than any candidate EVER. He
took on the 16 best candidates in GOP history…all younger than him…all with
better political credentials…and destroyed them with his energy. You mean
that kind of energy in a 70-year old isn’t inspired by God? Trump renews
our strength. Or does the all-time record turnout and all-time record votes for
a GOP presidential primary candidate not define “strength?” With
Trump we mount up with wings like eagles. With Trump as our leader there is
nothing we can’t do. Any man that can build skyscrapers in Manhattan and vanquish 16 presidential opponents,
while spending almost nothing…can lead us to the heights of eagles.
With Trump we run, we are not weary.Just when we get tired of the fight
against Obama, Hillary, big government, big business, big media, big
unions…just when it all seems impossible to overcome the powerful forces of
evil… along comes Trump to re-energize us.
Trump inspires us. Trump gives us hope. Trump gives us confidence in
victory. Trump gives us just a touch of arrogance. Maybe God understands that’s
exactly what we need right at this late stage to save America.
God is about miracles. We don’t need a “nice guy” or a “gentleman” right
now. It’s the 4th quarter and we’re losing 14-0. We need a miracle.
So let me repeat my message to some Christians: “YOU’RE MISSING THE
BOAT.” I believe Trump is our miracle. I believe Trump is our
rowboat. Except he’s more like a battleship! No one is saying Trump
is perfect. No one is saying Trump is a perfect conservative. But he is a
patriot. He is a warrior. He is a capitalist. He is the right man, at the right
Yes, he’s a bit rude and crude and offensive. But that may make him the
perfect warrior to save America,
American exceptionalism, capitalism and Judeo-Christian values. The
choice should be easy for Christians. It’s Trump … or it’s the end of America.
Could someone slip it into his papers when he’s going up to the podium? Trouble is, he doesn’t stick to his scripts.
This would be a dream come true for America. It would also permanently put Donald Trumps and his families life in danger from the radical second amendmenters.
Let it be, let it be,
Let it be, let it be,
Speaking words of wisdom,
Let it be
Hilarious satire! With a few incisive observations.
Love the part about the average voter being too dumb to be trusted with the vote…as Winston Churchill said,”The best argument against Democracy is a 5 minute conversation with the average voter”–so funny!
That would do it. But yeah; probably wishful thinking.
That would be great, but I don’t think he’s capable of giving that speech.
Dear Benjamin Corey:
The Republican Party Presidential campaign is in crisis. Sad to say, so is the United States political system. Mr. Trump is a symptom. November won’t change that.
I like that!:-)
I love this! Inspired brilliant satire! (I hope!)
‘I went to greater lengths to illustrate America’s problems than anyone has ever gone.
many of you didn’t realize the level of racism in America, so I paraded it before you and drew them all out of the woodwork.
“protect free speech, because how else will we know who the assholes are?”
You can be ignorant no longer, folks– because you now know who all the racists are.
I just demonstrated that it is totally plausible for an unhinged authoritarian with no self-control, no self-restraint, and no respect for others, to become President of the United States.
No other candidate has exposed our fear, our racism, and our ignorance the way my campaign exposed. This has been successful beyond my wildest imagination.
I would much rather just have him lose.
And I find Hillary quite likeable.
Oh please, let it be so!
Trump’s followers would be in for a big disappointment, namely most White Evangelicals (78% reported by Pew Research Center), Vladimir Putin, North Korea state media, and the Rebel Brigade Knights of the Ku Klux Klan.
Yes, indeed, that would be a great speech. And, yes, it would challenge me to re-evaluate my view of Trump.
Somehow, I am doubting that it will happen.
If only he would… Great speech.